Super Sensitive OR Attachment issues.. Sooo hard to ferret out!

So, as most of you know, Andrew has been home for over a year. I’ve long since learned that attachment is a process... not a sprint, probably not even a marathon as each child needs their own time to deal with their own sets of circumstances... to get to that place whereby they can trust and feel safe.

A friend, who happens to be a social worker, suggested that I consider reading “the Highly sensitive child” by Elaine Aron, based on my description of our son. At first I was somewhat reluctant because I felt (inappropriately so! :)) as if I’ve read just about every parenting and adoption manual out there. Of course I haven’t but if you look at my bookshelf, the majority of my books have something to do with child rearing, child development, Sensory issues, Spectrum disorders, special needs children, etc. You get to a point where you begin to second guess yourself.

I’d also read the “ Out of Sync Child by Carol Kranowitz and Lucy Jane Miller and felt I had a small grasp on “sensory issues”. But alas, knowing that our son just didnt feel or seem comfy in his own skin, I ordered the book. I recognized that the” Out of sync child” book had small portions on the “highly sensitive child” but it certainly wasnt an entire book devoted to the subject.

When it arrived I dove in and while much overlapped many things I’ve read in the past, it was nice to see it all in one place. And having it all in one place, and in my face, I now know (I mean I knew, but dont think I truly realized) “HOW much “ Andrew is “highly sensitive”!

Like anything else, there are extremes and those in between. Within any given category, there are those who scream off the charts and those who fall comfortably in the middle. I was somewhat perplexed because Andrew has not seemed overly upset or uncomfy in our rather (at times) loud, chaotic household. He’s often most comfy when both kids have playdates here.. even multiple children. Introduce parents to the scene however, and forget it. He loses it (thus my thinking re: attachment... i.e. next person to take him away). He doesnt seem overly sensitive to clothing and is happiest covering himself in water, altho of late, sits down and points to his shoes as he doesnt want to get them wet. So we take them off!

We were at swimming lessons for the older kids the past two weeks (great lessons but horrible time for him) . I wore him the majority of the days they were there and he did ok and slept about an hour to 90 minutes each day. Unfortunately it messed up his overall sleep pattern and once again, he’s not finding it easy to nap on his own (starting all over again - grhhh).. Yet the hyper-vigilence is still so much better . When he first arrived home, he couldnt sleep without me right there at all times touching him. The moment I moved, he woke up. In the car, he never slept. I think he was afraid of being buckled in and taken away. Just my thinking and perhaps I’m doing that “reading too much into things” thing. BUT I do believe he was so hyper-vigilent. In a state of flight-flight - that adrenaline rush state by which it’s hard to find calm.

Finally after 14 months home, he can sleep in the car and actually sleeps nicely. I can get up at night after he’s asleep or early in the AM. But his sleep is still so fitful. He dreams vividly. He smiles, laughs, cries, and screams in his sleep. He calls for me in his sleep. He also calls for “Omma”.. Not as much anymore but this def. happened earlier. I’m a super light sleeper, so anything he does.. movement he makes. I’m awake. I do well with little sleep but those first many months when he was waking 15-20x a night, were gruesome. There are times I think that many of the challenges we’ve seen stem simply from sleep deprivation.

So in the book “the Highly Sensitive Child” there is a list of all the traits a child might have to be “highly sensitive” and Andrew experiences most of them. Here are some of the list items:

startles easily - for us, a resounding “yes”

complains about scratchy clothing .. kind of yes, he has a prob with loose threads coming from his clothes

doesnt like surprises - havent done a ton of these but suspect this is a resounding “yes”

Learns better with gentle coreection vs. strong punishment - you look at him with an angry face and he breaks down in tears

seems to read my mind/intuitive - OH yes!.. seems so in tune to my every feeling!

Doesnt do well with big changes - OH yes... one reason we’re not going to see his FM

Notices the distress of others - OH yes, again

sensitive to pain - yep.. sensitive to the smallest, almost microscopic grain of sand on foot... sensitive to the hangnail he created by yanking on finger and then crying and pointing that it was bothering him, but then furious with me for cutting it off!

Is bothered by noisy places.. .. for us thusfar doesnt seem to be a huge deal but maybe we havent been to the “right” noisy place.

AND OUR BIGGY:

Performs best when strangers ARENT present - YEP.. that’s us.. good thing I’ve got lots of great girlfriends who will email and call cause a close, intimate conversation is rarely a possibility unless wse’ve seen you on an ongoing basis for months!

Regarding sensitivity, this was our day yesterday:

He picked up the stray litter (garbage) we found on the way to the bus stop. He’s getting much better at brushing off his hands when he falls or gets them dirty. When his clothes get ever so slightly wet he wants them changed, even tho he loves to play in water. He went thru about 6 sock changes. Not sure if he was looking for the perfect matching pair cause they were there and on, but he wanted them off several times. I realize much of this is also just an inquisitive toddler wanting to figure things out but I’ve never experienced things to this level before. He wanted apple sauce - so I got down and opened and it wasnt ok. I thought “ok he wanted to choose”.. nope.. that wasnt it. I dont see him wanting to “control”... but who knows (yes, that attachment stuff going off in my mind)...After 2 opened and uneaten applesauce containers and 2 opened, uneaten banaanas and lots of whining, crying, we were both frustrated. Often the frustration ends with thrown food, items, or hitting. Yet when you look at him with the stern face he cries and buries his face in my shoulder and looks forelorn. He can be redirected and is happiest outside. I also realize he’ll be a whole lot happier when he gets a few more words.And just in the last 2 weeks seems better since being home alone with me (has a few new words, but not real useable - our latest “turtle” from his blanket.. dont get me wrong.. any new word is a good one!! ) He loves to brush his teeth and do anything he sees anyone else doing but HAS to do it just like they’ve done it which often isnt possible -when you’re barely 2! So when he sees me take my vitamins and doesnt get one, he’s very upset (he doesnt do this with food oddly enough). Thankfully we do have baby vitamins for him and he’s eating the Nordic Natuarals (dose appropriate ) like crazy which is awesome. He needs them! My examples probably arent great above.. AND they probably wouldnt even make me take a second look cause “he’s a toddler”.. and they want when they want it - which is always NOW! But the thing that bothers me is that he is so whiny, seemingly upset, unhappy thru much of this. If I’m with him and on the floor with him, his favorite thing is to try to push me over and jump on me. He loves to hug and kiss me. H e so wants to be close. The other day I was changing me (which he doesnt like - cause of the cool wipes, I”m suspecting) and I said “ we need to get going, Al (he calls Alex, “Al” will be home)... and he smiled the biggest smile and clapped.. He loves us.. I just dont think he is “feeling” things the way most do..

So it makes you wonder. The ever so hard thing about being an adoptive parent is the questioning: is my child just unique, more tempermental, more inquisitive, sensitive, smart (many really sensitive children are very smart). Is it anxious attachment? My personal feeling is that all our children who have experienced early trauma and loss by losing their birthfamily and at times, birth-culture... have special issues. Not necessarily special needs but special issues. They may deal with things that typical children dont. They may respond differently than a typical child. They may need to be parented in a way the average parent, just “doesnt get”.. In my opinion, my son is def experiencing both of these things...

We’ve decided to do neuro reorganization. The premise being that many children who have had less than perfect starts in life (mostly involving early trauma and loss due to losing birthmom), retain, potentially some early reflexes they should have lost as infants. In other words, when they suffered that trauma, the ability to move forward developmentally, was stunted. I’m not going to say too much more here cause I’m not an expert. Have read enough that I know it’s a good match for our family and for now... It makes sense.

But to quote from a book by Sally Goddard: Reflexes, Learning and Behavior, A window into the child’s mind... this is what I see in my child:

I do believe he has retained the Moro reflex which I believe is also called “the startle reflex”.. it’s an involuntary reaction to threat. “ (from the book quoted above by Sally Goddard) The child who still has the Moro reflex will experience the world as too full of bright, loud and abrasive sensory stimuli. The eyes will be drawn towards changes in light and to every movement within his visual field. His ears may receive too much auditory stimuli. He cannot filter out, occlude extraneous stimuli so he becomes easily overloaded. He is, in effect , stimulus bound. Long term effects of retaining this reflex:

The child will retain an exaggerated startle reaction which may result in continued hypersensitivity in one or several sensory channels, causing him to over-react to certain stimuli.Sudden noise, light, movement or alteration of position or balance - any of these - may elicit the reflext at unexpected moments, so that the child is constantly “on alert” and in a heightened state of awareness. The Moro-directed child is poised on the edge of fight or flight through most of their waking moments, caught up in a vicious circle in which reflex activity stimulates the production of adrenaline and cortisol - the stress hormones. These same hormones increase sensitivity and reactivity so that both the trigger and the responses are built into the system. . Such a child may present a paradox: acutely sensitive, perceptive and imaginative (my son); but immature and over-reactive on the other. He may cope in two ways: by being the fearful child who “withdraws” from situations, has diffculty socializing and can neither accept or demonstrate affection easily. On the other hand, he may become the over-active, aggressive child who is easily excitable, cannot read body language, and who needs to dominate situations. Either child will tend to be manipulative as he atempts to find strategies whicn will give him some measure of control over his emotional responses.

Sooo if you ‘re an adoptive parent some of this will make some sense.. However even if you are, you may also think it’s a bunch of junk. I dont know. I do feel for us, it does make sense right now. I do believe my child had so many “disrupts/disconnects” in his care that this is very feasible and the initial eval is not so cost prohibitive that I cant see us doing. So for now this is our direction. We meet with Emily with Northwest Neurodevelopmental Center on Sept 26. and I look forward to it.. If nothing else, I’ll get some good exercise creeping and crawling around with my little guy (ok it’s a LOT more than that, but... :))