Today Our Sweet Girl would have Been 3 :(

and feeling sad but doing ok. I had a wonderful time with Soo Hee's sister this AM as I took her riding, unencumbered. It was so great to spend that 1:1 time. Ellie doesnt really understand and asked if Andrew would also die :( So we had a heart to heart and hope she does now...

I've had many teary moments but doing ok. I can only begin to imagine what folks who lose kids to SIDS at home go thru.. All the could have, should have, would have's.. I did this and she was in Korea. But I cant tell you how much I wish we could have seen her even after she'd passed. It would have helped. Sometimes it all seems like a bad dream. There's no cemetary, tombstone.. nothing. I dont think she and Ellie's birthmom even knows which truly breaks my heart - not that I want to share the pain, but because she may be having a day today much different than I.. Thinking about her little girl celebrating her 3rd bday.. That bothers me a lot. I need to write a big letter to her file but just havent had it in me.. Soon.. I will do it soon.....

PICS I intended to Post w/ Last Post

Yes it's been that chaotic around here.. dont know if Im coming or going and often feel that this multi tasking world is frying my brain... here are pics I wanted to post but didnt see initially (i've now cleaned off my desktop... amazing how much I can get done when little guy sleeps in :)) Not sure what blogger has done and havent played around but it's hard in edit mode to remove photos now (all in code, vs the actual pic).. i'm sure I just need to figure it out, but for now, sorry for dups. I didnt post pics of Andrew helping dad put cuttings into the green waste because he was nakey butt, but his latest obsession is garbage cans. I dont know why.. I'd get the "truck" but he loves doing anything with a garbage can.. Go figure!

Oh and if the pic of Elle looks weird.. she's resting her chin on a life vest...

Some Random Pics from the Past Few Weeks

Since I'm sooo behind....Last weekend, it was warm and the kids were playing in water and made a mud pie.. Well Andrew somehow literally fell face first into it. At first we were laughing so hard.. I didnt really look to see if there were any indicators that older kids "helped him " fall into mud pie and or paint his face, but from pics, it truly looks like he fell into it. What are the chances? The additional mud on his back and stomach.. were man made however. He was a great sport about it all and even let me take a few pics.. Now in looking I may have uploaded 2 of these previously.. Now w/Facebook, can't remember where I've uploaded stuff...

New Riding Duds and Filming for Cable Show

Ellie's been riding at her new place for about a month now (wow.. that means I'm really behind with this blog) and yesterday was filmed for a cable special on horses. She was great.. I prob sounded idiotic (I dont do cameras well!)... We've been needing to get her "outfitted" so to speak: more durable and safe boots, gloves, helmet and pants. Last week was so chaotic and didnt even know about the filming til Fri night, so we raced to town to get the stuff right before she rode. She just wore it from the store. Anyway, I'm pretty fashion deprived and dont shop much for myself (just for kids).. but I thought she looked so cute.. And obviouusly not objective. She really wanted to "purple " helmet.... I would have chosen black, but "hey" it's hers! And the little boots are ankle height look like something out of J. Crew - well at least long ago when I got that catalog :) Yep I'm probably a few years behind... but I love boots. She's now learning to trot and post and loves to "go fast".. I emailed Giant Steps just to share some pics. We really miss them too and wow.. sounds like their new facility and programs they've added are awesome.. They're doing some dedicated vaulting training which I've had a lot of interest in for Ellie. But think for now, she will get the same benefit with traditional riding and because it's so close, we have so much more flexibility. I love her trainer and she kind of whispered over my head "if you lived closer Ellie could come everyday!".. oh how she'd love that. And maybe in time, we will actually sponsor a horse. If I can get back in shape a bit I'd love to start riding again too. If the physiques of the beautiful women I see riding are indicative of it's exercise benefit, I def need to get my chubby self back on a horse! Here are some pics from yesterday

Ellie's New Riding Center

seemed to be a total hit! It's not a huge place.. In fact a very small, word of mouth kind of ranch. An old high school friend I'd lost touch with, but found again thru Facebook suggested this gal and I think it's gonna work. So yesterday was her first lesson. At Giant Steps (which is awesome), the ability to be as independent as she is here, wasnt there, but also with good reason. Believe me I had concerns and will be with Ellie (w/o other kids for many of her first lessons). But she also had some opportunities I think she was ready for and she did beautifully. I love that she's sooo not intimidated. I mean to the point, we prob need to watch her, but am so grateful to Giant Steps for giving her that comfort level (my first experience wasnt really positive so I was always a rider with some fear in me). She rode a Morgan named Jimmy (will probably be on a smaller pony named Sugar in future but she's re-cupping from something right now). There were several riders there who have horses at the ranch or sponsor and they all came out to watch as I dont think the teacher has had a little one in awhile. Of course made this mom proud as they oooh'ed and awe'd over here. Telling me how incredible she was for her age.. her seat, her posture, the way she seemed to connect with her horse. I hope that's all true. She was on a lunge and didnt do all that much as the teacher wanted to see what she could do. I dont think in the past her horses have actually had a bridle on (thinking a halter with reigns). So she practiced starting and stopping and did great! Jimmy was very, very mellow - beautiful horse. The teacher wasnt as close to her as the lead person would have been with Giant Steps but this didnt bother Ellie. She was in her element. Altho it was kidn of clear she didnt really have a lot of independence reigning (if that's a word) as I think having that person leading her horse, was a fail-safe. allowing her to tune out.. She couldnt do that here and was forced to listen and do what she needed to get her horse to what she wanted. And by the end of the session she did. I was very proud.

While I hope this will work, it may not. It may be too much too soon. I love how close it is, and that helps tremendously given all else going on in life. BUT if not we will return to Giant Steps. I love their program and Ellie does too. But between distance and my thinking that may be she's ready for a tad bit more, this seems to be a good ft for now. She was able to dismount independently and give her horse a treat - which thrilled her. I am looking forward to seeing what the future holds and again oh so hoping it all works out!

Andrew's IFSP transition Meeting
WARNING: LONG

and some decisions to be made. I can truly say, I can't wait for the day til I can change the title of this blog :)! So IFSP I think stands for Interim family service plan. It's essentially a legal document that provides direction and what services a child will receive during Early Intervention (birth to 3). After age 3 the child enters the school system and the document becomes an IEP (individual education plan). Even tho we're 6 months shy of his 3rd bday, these meetings are schedule this far out, I'm assuming to kind of get an idea who is coming thru the ranks.. to let the parents know what options are at 3 etc. Given that we've done this before, it's a lot easier, but the meetings are still a bit hard. I know my child will be fine, but I admit... I wish he didnt have to do all this. I admit I wish I didnt have to do all this and apologize cause that probably seems so selfish. We're so incredibly Blessed to have this wonderful baby boy in our lives and I wouldnt trade it for a thing. Some of my "whoast be me" simply comes from *having been down the road before*. And I know what the fight is gonna look like. It just takes time away from the "family time"/"play time" I'd rather be spending because sometimes this stuff can't wait or I have to make calls during daytime hours etc

Sooo yesterday Andrew's Speech therapist confirmed (altho she's eluded to it before) that she feels Andrew is definitely Apraxic. Not a severe case by any means.. I'm thinking more like mild/low moderate. The kicker is that he's got some huge control issues which I do believe are far greater than the average two year old. I do believe it's adoption related/anxiety/security related. On some of my boards I think many folks think we adoptive parents blame everything on attachment. But in this case, I do believe he's anxiously attached, plus an intense and very bright temperment. All adds up to a child who is sometimes difficult to work with in therapy. We attempted having me leave the therapy session and it worked the first time. The thinking is that he would defer to me less (to interpret for him etc) and better use of the speech time would be made. Second time we tried was a disaster and the whole neighborhood probably heard his screams. The third time, wouldnt enter building - nothing would calm him. I was so angry at myself. Finally took older sibling and when ST started playing with her that ol' sibling rivalry "mine" stuff kicked in and it was pure magic and we've been fine since.

But it's slow going. The great problem here is not so much now but that the options at age 3 for a child like him are poor at best. Children with Apraxia need intense 1:1 therapy. He's getting that now and if I have my way, he'll continue to have it after he turns three with the District paying for his current therapist (my goal and thus the research, to document all that need). An IEP legally needs to address a child's needs and offer services to meet those needs - sounds easy enough right? Wrong.. nope, nada! Most districts will tell you they can "only provide such and such" .. they dont "have" this that and the other. Most parents are exhausted and exasperated and dont continue to fight or dont realize they can. So the system doesnt change. I realize our school systems are taxed financially to the max and would probably be broke if they provided every student with what they needed. I admit with Ellie, we had some extra funds then and opted to pay privately for her speech altho she received fine services. But the ST in schools isnt as concentrated 1:1 and the ST's are often over-worked, under paid, yada yada.. BUT we dont have that latitude this time so pulling out big guns (to pay privately). The options the District will offer for Andrew will be group speech or Special ed preschool. They may not even offer latter cause he doesnt need that level of support and I dont really want him there. So again I will fight for the continued 1:1 ST support he's currently getting and take it to Due Process if I have to. I swear I should have become a Special ed Attorney instead of a nurse when I had my early mid life crisis :)

So the kicker in all this. Given where he is - and his fairly decent delay our Early Intervention Coordinator offered additional support in the form of classes where language is encouraged. We did most of them with Ellie. I just dont want to be driving to town another day and socialization at least thusfar doesnt seem to be an issue. I'm a tad worried that he will get frustrated when kids dont understand him and start to hit (he does that at home, impulsively when not getting way). Our EI coordinator then offered to pay for 6 hours a week of Private preschool - our choice. This would just go til his 3rd bday. We had him lined up at a great school last Fall but ultimately decided he wasnt ready and I postponed going back to work. So now I'm conflicted. I think I can get him in and trying to decide: is that too much? Is it too soon? Should I focus my efforts on the Neuro Reorg which I feel will address the control as well as help with speech. Can I do it all? The one nice benefit of starting now if it worked (he could deal with the separation) is it will give me way more latitude to immediately take a position at the hospital if something comes up. He will def be starting at this school sometime in near future.

Anyway, if you got this far, thanks. I just needed to think out loud for a few minutes!

And NOW back to our Regularly Scheduled Program
MY LATEST RANT!!


STAR Testing! I'm still not even clear why the hell they do this but have a pretty good idea. STAR stands for "Standardized Testing and Reporting" and I believe it happens everywhere and is an objective measure of a school's/district's /state's level of performance with public education. That maybe an over-simplification and doing some research so will update here if I'm blowing smoke in the wind.

And a preface before I go further... I'm venting here because I try very hard not to say any of this in front of the children. As long as they're in public school, then I feel they should participate (altho I think there maybe a way to opt out) and am attempting to hold the ol' tongue on the subject (thus the blog post)

Sooo we received this handy dandy reminder from the school to feed our children a nutritious breakfast next week and make sure they get plenty of sleep. WHAT?? I guess maybe they think we're pretty slack the rest of the year? And sorry for my dripping in cynicism attitude here.. but suspect many of you would agree. The testing takes place from 9-12 AM every day next week - more WHAT?? 15 hours of flippin testing for a 2nd grader?

So I was already NOT in a good mood over this hellish prospect when on Wed my 8 yr old comes home from school and tells me the Gov of CA will be seeing his personal test and he was worried? OK.. steam coming out of ears now.. I explained that more likely the Governor would see overall results for our area as well as the state. Evidently the teacher had said something like: "make the school, community and your state governor proud by doing your best".. NOW... before going further, my son can often take things out of context and misinterpret things but ya know the fall out happens at home and the fall out was "not wanting to go to school".. and "not wanting to take this darn test".. I truly love his teacher and emailed her. She felt horribly about and was wonderful in that she listened to my concerns and then spoke to the other kids. They were also worried (3 of the 5 kids in 2nd grade).. she gave them a full blown, and heart felt apology and talked about "doing your best etc"..That was WONDERFUL.. and I so appreciate that we parents can talk to her and she doesnt get defensive. Altho i wouldnt be surprised if I have "witch parent" labeled across my kids' files!

So I was starting to return to my latest saying and thinking: "it is what it is"... when the kids got home from school this afternoon and I was presented with a "practice STAR test".. It now sits next to me. I dont know what to do with it altho I think I'd like to puke on it! OMG.. who in their right mind has decided that 2nd graders need to take a mini SAT..? I mean seriously - 82 freaking pages sitting next to me. Mind you my son reads above grade level - probably well above. In the language arts section there are complex 2 page stories with 4-6 questions at end. Often two answers are very similar.. WHAT?? My God these kids are 7 and 8 and some dont read at nearly my son's level AND they're just learning AND they dont have the attentional level of sitting thru testing for this long. WHAT FLIPPIN' MORON CAME UP WITH THIS TEST??? AND why????

Sooo yes..now the steam is really flowing but having a glass of wine to calm down! I just think it's absolutely ridiculous. I think it's totally inappropriate for kids this young to be under so much pressure. I feel that way for all kids but esp for many in our school who are ESL.. reading has taken them longer. YET they're all doing beautifully. BUT this is stuff they dont do that much in class.. maybe they should and their spelling packets do include some of this, but I also think this is higher level stuff. WHY do such young children need to be subjected to this kind of HUGE pressure? I truly believe, for some kids, it could really turn them off to school in general.. NOT the way to set the stage for future learning!

As I've often said: "No child Left Behind" was designed by some politician who probably doent even have kids. IMO.. it's destined to "leave kids behind".. No,... the saying should be "No Child Left Behind as long as your Perfect and test where we want you!" AND I wont even go to that place that discusses how much is taken away from "imaginative and fun learning (encouraging the child to use their natural "love" of learning and exploring" to figure things out) because of all this testing time. This has been 2 solid weeks out of the year for this. Each "report period" the school pulls in a sub for 2 weeks so the primary teacher can pull kids out and test them independently. Perhaps that's just our school...

How many of you grew up without "no Child left behind?".. and how did you do? I did fine. I dont remember homework til around 4th grade. I dont remember even basic tests til about that time too altho maybe wrong there. I remember loving school.. going because I loved to learn new things and I had no underlying fear that I wouldnt perform up to some standard. Have we really done our children justice of late? I think not and am pissed! But "it is what it is" and until I know that I dont have to work (for sure and right now that's NOT a "for sure") I wont be thinking about homeschooling again. My greatest frustration is that my oldest (I believe) would love school a whole lot more if there wasnt so much pressure and that kills me because he's doing so well.. sigh.... thanks for listening! Gonna go bury my head in the sand and shut up now!

AND on kind of a Funny but SCARY note:

Last weekend when I took all those pics.. I would have been outside no matter what but we probably wouldnt have stayed out as long as we did. In spite of sunscreen, Ellie and andrew had some rosy cheeks. BUT last Sat night (the scary part) our power went out. I figured someone hit a pole - and they had (or that a Transformer blew). Well it all happened around the corner from us. I'm a pretty light sleeper and soon started smelling smoke - didnt make this mama happy! Not to mention that I never heard any sirens (i,e. bad accident) BUT the fire dept was out in force with their spotlights which lit up the whole area. This was about 230 AM on.. Well a Suburban had hit the wires that hold the power pole steady.. this after they took down a cypress tree which landed in their grill (had it been a smaller car I think there would have been fatalities). Even tho the pole stayed up the wires which stretch across a large (deep, not very accessible, filled with sage brush and very steep in some spots) Canyon. The Canyon caught fire. Fire dept couldnt do much til PG and E shut down power. The wires even landed on some homes which were evacuated. Bottom line, no power for about 14 hours. Even on a gorgeous day like that day.. you realize how DANG spoiled we are and how much you rely on the basics we take for granted each day....

Soooo Behind!

Well it's been awhile since I have blogged. I sometimes feel like I'm so behind, I dont know where to begin. What a hodge podge mess some of my posts probably are. But for the moment that's what they are, for the few family members and friends who follow.

All is well on the homefront - just busy. Busy stuff with school and various kid activities. Also a string of illnesses around Easter that I think I mentioned in last post.

I spent some time over Spring Break looking for a new place for Ellie to ride. Seems silly but I was so excited to find what i think will be a great match for her. Currently with therapeutic riding, she's supervised incredibly well. Most children have to have that. So in looking for the perfect place I was looking for someone who was good with children, would provide her with the attention she needs given some of her challenges. We met with the gal who I found thru an old high school friend I found on Facebook (yay Facebook).. and I was very happy. Ellie will ride a (larger than what I normally think of) pony named Sugar and the BEST part is that she's 20 min away not an hour and 20 min. Hooray. So I'm looking forward to that.

Andrew is still working hard, hard and more hard with Speech. It's slow going. A lot of folks tell me stories of all their friends kids who suddenly start talking at 3. And I appreciate their support. I HOPE he's one of them, but given his motivation, constant attempting, and the consistent lack of certain sounds, it does appear this is something more than being a "late talker". But again I hope I'm wrong. He gets a few new words each week and that's been great. We're now up to 2 hours of ST a week and that has helped in spite of fact he truly doesnt like going (because it is hard for him). Early Intervention already has his transitional meeting (transitioning to the 3-5 preschool or outpatient type program) set up for early May. Think that's silly given that that's 5 months prior to his 3rd bday and a lot can happen. BUT once again, gearing up for a fight (not this meeting but as we get closer).

We dont know what's going on with him, he's too young. But we're operating under a "suspected apraxia or phonological proessing" type disorder. The options at age 3 include special ed preschool or group speech. If you've read any of this blog you'll know I'm well-versed in this aspect of the law: it's not about what's available it's about what the child needs. I've already spoken to our District Supervisor - the one I spent hours dealing with last summer as we attempted folks to think "outside the box" for Ellie. Thankfully, Ellie (not that I ever expected but am not surprised) has been the perfect example of how "thinking outside the box" can REALLY work and work for everyone. So more to come on this front.. gonna be fighting for continued private ST and then will enroll him in the fantastic preschool that Alex and Ellie went to on the Sheep Ranch :)!

AND for the most important stuff... gorgeous weather here this past week. Last weekend it was blistering hot. We broke out the slip n' slide and literally wore the poor thing out. My Monday night it had popped. BUT not before much good slidin' had been done (we used all last summer too). And yes if you're trying to figure out what they were doing.. slip n' slide at end of swingset (slide).. so they slid down wet slide onto slip n' slide.. And when got cold jumped into hot tub to warm up! Soooo I will post pics below....

Happy Easter everyone!

sooo as usual for us.. much done at last minute. The kids didnt get any candy for Easter so they enjoyed some toys instead :) The week was long and too many appts and ultimately ended up in illness (Alex in ER - he's fine, but... ) followed by Ellie next day tossing cookies practically on shoes; followed by little guy with fever of century.. We had a mellow Easter and will attach pics: